MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS (CHAPTER 4)

 

MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS

* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *

                                                                                

                  CHAPTER 4

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It's another day to make them believe I'm all great, I got it figured out and I'm killing it. I don't even know what that means but let's move on. I believed I'll unlearn the things I needed to but I fail at all my trials. It's hard, I get so comfortable in my sadness and overwhelming lifestyle, even with that thought that was meant to make me think I'll leave all these behind. I know this about me; the way I love, fight and take risks. I'm dangerous in my own skin, I'm unbreakable but still the most fragile being alive, with the worst anxiety issues, soft and emotional. I tell myself I will get through and yes I do, but everything lives rent free in my head. People's opinions and discouraging talks get to me a lot, I'm the perfect description of an overthinker.

I woke up feeling better than I ever did. Trying to be more positive than I was in a long time, I freshened up, slid in a beautiful outfit. I made my hair look real nice and added a couple accessories to make me sparkle. Finally, I wore my pretty, charming, dimple-filled smile and headed out the door. Making long, sassy strides with my headphones playing Alarm by Annie Marie on the loudest volume, it had become my favorite since my last breakup. I walked past a few ladies and headed towards the meeting hall. Suddenly, I stopped and turned, saw them chit-chatting among themselves and staring directly at me, giggling and making faces. My heart sank and the melancholy in me bubbled. "It's me! They're talking about me! Damn!!! What is it this time? Do I look too good? Am I doing too much? Do I look overconfident? Cause I'm not even there yet". I kept walking like nothing ever happened, entered the hall and took my seat. I took off my headphones and waited, staring in silence, lost in a space of thousands of thoughts. I was reliving a similar situation that happened to me in high school with a similar set of girls. I didn't notice the manger was already done with his introductory speech and beckoned for me to carry on with my presentation. I stood up, body firm and cheeks red from my fake smile of confidence and readiness. I delivered an amazing presentation amidst being high with a billion particles of smoky thoughts from my past, tearing me apart and bringing out my pessimistic side. I made cheerful small talks with most people after the meeting and sprinted home without a second thought.

On my way home, I consoled myself with a few lyrics "You can love me or hate me, nothing's gonna change me, that's just how they made me, that's just who I am..."  I made a hot bath, filled with my favorite essential oils, bath gel and flowers. I hopped in, not realizing it was extremely hot but I didn't feel it. I was numb from all the thoughts that weighed me down. While my speakers blared, I remembered how I was envied by best friends and hated for my situation, I didn't have what they had but they were jealous, I didn't have the life they had but they were scared I would be better than them. It sucked, I can't feel free, happy in my skin, look pretty and attract positive energy. My skin burned from the water and I realized I was lost. This was always my way of avoiding self-harming. I don't know if I need to talk about that. I got out quickly, washed myself under the shower, the cold water running through my hair and down my soft succulent body. I looked at my scars from self-harming and blinked tears away. I got out and turned off the shower. This is it, my everyday routine. I had things to do but I couldn't, I was sucked up.

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