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MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS (CHAPTER 1)

 


MY  GLOOMY  THOUGHTS

* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *



                                                                                


                  CHAPTER 1 


                            ***


I'm scared of everything, literally every single thing, my anxiety always eats me up. When things go right and when I think about the future. No, the present barely bothers me, only the past seems to find a way to haunt me, uncontrollably, I try to attach to things and people to get over it and stay sane. The moment I do that, it gets worse cause I'm too careful and too cautious about opening up or just talking and feeling like I actually make sense. Overtime it gets better, whenever I get the audience I need, I start to give my all, lose myself a little bit, care to much, and want the connection to be stronger. Then I wake up to the realization that it never works that way, I get reminded I don't trust anyone, the little whisper tells me "get yourself together, you're just a pawn if you keep pushing yourself into people's lives". Then I ask time and time again "why must I really be alone?" and it says "You're always meant to be alone, in most areas of your life".
I get that, but then I want to see it differently because we all need someone, though the truth is at the end of the day, you only have YOU.

I've always been, I loved it and I still do but it works against some of my natural elements. It kills and makes alive, it's surprising but comforting. So scary but peaceful, chaotic but eccentric. I can't imagine my life without those moments of loneliness.
Then again, I'm daily searching for the root cause of my random wandering thoughts,moods and ideas. I hold on too dearly when I know I should let go and it sucks more when you're being tossed around. I dislike the feeling of being given so much desire and hope and then shattered into little pieces within a short time.


                         
                               ***











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