MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS
* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *
CHAPTER 3
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My relationships are my priority and I also care less about them. No, I'm not heartless, I'm just a crazy woman with burdens and mental health issues drowning me. Bad experiences send me to a zone of analysis where I hardly get out of. I have to be critically careful cause I'm not lucky like the others. I often remember when a man told me I'm cursed and haunted. I wallowed in my gloom for years over this and it started taking a hold of my thoughts and moves, every action I took. I was restless the whole damn time, thinking if I'm really unfortunate, misunderstood and cast away. It's so hard to be a normal being after such an encounter, details I won't disclose, but I pray the man suffers the same fate as me and if I ever make it out alive, I'll stab him in the eyes. I'll get away from his excruciating torment.
I gave myself a goal to always ignore such situations but most times I can't because he brings out the worst in me when I know I'm the sweetest being alive. It weakens my spirit, makes me decline slowly, so I try to pick myself back up and start by meditating in order to get back on track. Don't ask me who this man is and if he's just in my imagination, I can't tell you otherwise I'll breakdown again. You can't imagine how much real time I spend in my imaginations, I tend to forget where I am, who i am and every sad truth about my existence. Only those who rock with me will know me well, others feel like they do, they think they're close to me,they think they're attached but don't share in my struggles or know when I last attempted suicide. Although I don't open up a 100% because I'm terrified of all the things I've been through and the fear of being judged and what people would say; they always thought I had it all together and judged me based on that, assuming I'm never hurt, broken or sad; they think I'm perfect, without problems and rich. I'll tell you why I came across that way; I was forced from a young age to be perfect and no one cared about how I felt or whatever struggles I was dealing with. Coupled with the abuses and molestation, I was forged into beliefs that didn't resonate with my being and I learnt how to show up unbothered. I learnt how to be a wonderful pretentious being. Almost all my friends in my whole lifetime didn't know the real me, it was my fault but realistically it wasn't, I couldn't show them otherwise and that trait has affected my entire life. I'm trying everyday to disarm myself and break free from the perfectionist mentality because it does more harm to me than good, takes me away from living and going through life the way I should, even deprives me of enjoying the smallest meaningful things.
In recent times, I take a lot of breaks from the social media space and from people just to recharge and have my sanity back. I don't mean to intentionally ghost anyone, I just don't want to be a debbie downer in anyone's life. I'm already too misunderstood as it is, I wouldn't want to be the one to always give bad impressions although I have quite a lot already.
I know I've been treated unfair time without number and I just decide to find the one and only way I can expell the energy and have something to keep me strong and going. I love my abilities, talents and imaginations more than I love myself, sad truth. I'm still my own best friend, the only person that goes through sh*t with me is ME.
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