MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS
* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *
CHAPTER 11
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Whenever I try to write about love or emotions, my heart beats a little faster, my head pounds and my mind races in different directions but all i want is to describe the kind of love I want and need, the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with and the perfect lifestyle I'm working my ass off for. It's hard to want and receive everything you know you deserve especially if you know you're that "everything" you want in another person. Can I have a partner that can be all I have always been to others? Nothing is perfect and no one is, but with my imperfections, I'm the perfect lover and partner.
I want a calm and angelic soul, someone who sees me in every of my moods, someone who learns me every second. One who loves nature, serenity and art. He would be as selfless as I am, would know how to take burdens off my back and mind. He helps me think less, helps me think of nothing but how beautiful God is. He helps me let go of my independent side and let's me become vulnerable and dependent in his safe aura. He gives me the best massages and foot rubs, plays my favorite songs and pretends to be each artiste, performing and making my smile grow endlessly. He cuddles me intimately with love and tenderness, knows how to treat me like a queen and attends to my emotional and physical needs. He listens to everything I've been through and encourages me, being proud of who I've become and doesn't use my past or weaknesses against me. He loves my hobbies like I love his, makes every moment a fun one filled with memories, he is an emotional and financial pillar. He leads and communicates with love and understanding. He is always a 100% sure about me and what he wants...the list probably goes on and on. I want that perfect kind of love, am I asking too much?
Maybe I am searching for traits not visible in a human being. Meaning, I am not really human because I exhibited all these traits in my previous relationships, when I was unhealed and healed. Sometimes it's easier to believe your soulmate is miles across the ocean from you because every person you meet gives you the disappointment card. Of course no one is who they say they are in the first few weeks but within a couple weeks, behaviors, beliefs, attitudes and more begin to unfold naturally and they can't really hide it anymore. Sadly, I either leave the situation or they leave after preying comfortably.
And now you wonder why I advocate for self love, selfishness at some point in your life and self awareness. Being alone may sound psychotic, unnatural and weird but that's the first version of myself I embrace proudly to this day. If you ain't looking out for yourself, who will? Until you find your missing piece, stay true to yourself. I give myself all the obsession and love i want my future soulmate to give me. From taking trips, to buying all the nice luxuries I desire, to those coffee solo dates, restaurant dates and more I desire, then taking myself shopping for books, a change of wardrobe and more. I won't settle for less so why should you? If no one makes me their priority, I've already done that with myself a long time ago.
Gone are the days of being sleep deprived and hopeless because of an individual who doesn't give a fuck about my existence. Lol, I know you've been there too but skip the sad story and fast forward to the part where you're living your dream life. I know we're tired of lovers who don't read the room, read your body language but only care about their selfish desires and short-lived satisfaction. They torture your thoughts, making you question if you're really loved or not. My growth and healing brought me to a beautiful place of self love that I never experienced from anyone else that's ever existed in my life. The work I've put in is worth me wanting better for myself in every aspect including my love life and i can't afford to let anyone gaslight me out of that reality. My perfections will complement my soulmate's imperfections and vice versa, it will be a ying and yang connection, something meant to be...
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