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MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS (CHAPTER 10)





MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS



* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *

 

           CHAPTER 10 




                               ***



I hate being taken for granted, it's the main reason I love acting dumb because I know what my anger does to me, to people and to situations around me. I'm always the stupid emotional freak who gives more than a hundred chances to all these fellows only to be taken lightly. If I decided to go back to who I used to be, I would be void of emotions and I won't be moved the slightest bit no matter what happens. I'm trying not ruin my progress and growth or hang on to the old person that did the most horrible things or thought of them. I'm replacing my strength for evil with more reasons and motivation to be the new and best version of me. To adopt the side I hate showing because it reminds me of how much being good never pays or makes you enjoy the reward of a good feeling. I've accepted not to be the same person from a couple years back and a couple cities away from where I am now. 

Mental exhaustion is beyond my explanation, rapid breathing and heartbeat, tears gathered in my eyes. I need that imaginative get away I've always wanted, to run away, play dead, disappear and start over, live with only memories that I'll never go back to. This should be my own selfish reward for always being selfless and stupid. I don't beg anymore. I don't beg people to stay or be there for me, be in my life or hear me out without judgement and conclusions. The part of me that usually cared is now dead. They've all made everything more complicated; love, happiness, understanding, relationships, respect and more...

We all have to pretend to be someone else for a certain period of time because if we could just be ourselves, it would be called "see finish" and we would lose our dignity. When life can be more easy by just being ourselves and accepting people for who they are...or also rejecting them respectfully if there's no connection. People lie and make you vulnerable then use their good deeds to you as bait to capture and control you. People are really sick. Some are beyond repair. These days, my perfect world is filled with loneliness, lots of interactions with no connections, always in my shell and my guard up 24/7, shutting out all emotions and inhibiting all kinds of feelings... I'm so done!!!


   ***



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