MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS
* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *
CHAPTER 9
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I woke up to the sounds of trickling rain on my roof. It's the kind of air I love to breathe, the weird scent of that rain and It's cool air, my beautiful view from my balcony and loud music blasting in my headphones. It sets me up for the day without me trying too hard to get motivated. I say my prayers, arrange my room and get ready to continue a normal routine that will soon make me lose all my senses and my will to keep living in this part of the world. Lectures, meetings, planning schedules, papers fluttering around my desk and a lot of files to be sorted, assignments as well. I couldn't imagine the various jobs I took on as a young student just to keep my shit together and a bit for the experience too. I made sure to always convince myself of that. Jobs I know I resented and the ones I just never saw myself doing to the ones I loved a lot except the stress they bring obviously. I've found myself going back to being strong and ignoring things that weigh me down... He texts again, I see the notifications but gladly ignore them until I get out of work for the day and stop by at my regular spot for ice cream. I'm stunned at the information he's giving. Then I think to myself, why would he even tell me this? I'm infuriated and hot, I start cleaning the beads of sweat that formed on my face. This ice cream isn't helping issues at all.
Weeks pass by and I'm sure I'm in love with the same fellow who finds ways to make my heart bleed sometimes. Things had improved and I do believe he is trying his best to be that best version of himself for the woman he adores. Smiles, butterflies and meaningful conversations light up our inbox and this was after a physical encounter that changed our lives and made us realize how much we clicked. An impact was made from our conversations to little physical touch and a soul tie, I think I met my best mate. A lot of time has gone by quickly, I've learned a lot and I've lost a lot of garbage I kept inside me. The only thing that confuses me is how I am supposed to love, how I'm supposed to act and handle my softest and expressive emotions. On one hand, I feel I'm not supposed to be overly expressive but on the other hand, I feel like I should be expressive and open. Which ever way, I still struggle to push back thoughts that probably people don't have the best intentions for me or maybe they do but it becomes clear that they would never reciprocate the kind of energy I put into them. I ask myself a lot of questions that make me lose my mind, I overthink things I shouldn't and the thing I should. I get extremely confused and sometimes I start to lose focus and lose track of schedule and routine but trust me I'm getting better everyday. The part where I'm slowly easing into is where I learn to easily let go, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I cry about that situation, I should be able to accept things for the way they turn out and move on, hoping for the best for myself, knowing that that is never the end of everything. It's so hard, so mentally tasking but I'm hoping to keep getting better at it. I imagine myself as that girl who finally doesn't give a fuck about the things everyone expects me to care about. In my era of taking the next best steps that will elevate me to higher and greater levels, instead of sitting around sulking and being depressed about things and people who I should have erased from my mind a long time ago. I know how it feels, to be abandoned, to feel alone because you're really alone, even the feeling alone when you got someone right there with you in your life but it's so clear they don't really care if you exist or not. I know the feeling of being genuine and expressing your truth but being misread for being desperate and not classy and breaking the rules. I used to think to myself, who made these rules and why? Why can't I make mine and stick to them?
I got home one of these days, preparing for a short holiday and planning my new routines for the next phase of my life. Honestly time goes by so fast and it hit me so hard a lot but I'm up for the task and I'm ready to give it my best as much as I can. I've taken up courses and learnt so many new skills that challenged me in different ways and I enjoyed feeling productive and getting my mind off vain things and everything and everyone who stressed my mental health. I guess the good news is that I've started making my own rules and slowly sticking to them. My life, my rules, my terms and conditions, pretty amazing. Emotional maturity and control, a new skill I'm learning as well, waking up, listening to podcasts that not just motivate me but educate, challenge and keep me grounded. I learnt to start my day better, in the right spirit. This romantic partner in my life currently is very much everything I hoped for and I'm slowly learning how to handle my problematic side to be a better partner to him like he has been to me. Fast forward to how my holiday went, loads of troubles and heartaches, I was wrong to think this time would be different, although I thank God for life, health and more, I realized I'm too grown for some things and I would rather prefer a long distance relationship with most family and friends. With much thinking, fighting depression and unlearning, I decided to beat procrastination, anxiety, laziness and doubt by making and taking active baby steps to standing on business about my life and all areas of it. It's insane how far I would have gone if only I didn't have to deal with so much and let my ignorance and fear hold me back. Your dreams are fulfilled when you start taking those little active steps towards achieving them. More action, less talk and write them down more. It pays off and you get to see the tiny results as they build up to give you that big expectation of what you always hoped for.
I haven't stressed about the fact that soliloquy has helped me in this journey of self realization and self awareness. It's a reliable form of therapy for me at least, I have seen and experienced it's wonders. I believe it's the right way to relate with oneself and the best way to handle things. Who knows you better than yourself? No one. Who wants the best for you other than yourself? No one. It's best to speak to yourself about everything first before anyone else...
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