MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS
* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *
CHAPTER 12
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I really thought I had it all figured out, at least for a while I was sure I did. I enjoyed the way my life was going. Working hard and seeing the fruits of my labour, even manifesting things i didn't work hard for, it's been amazing and I wouldn't want to spoil anything by spitting out negativity into the universe so I'll begin by being extremely grateful for everything, including my present moment. Okay, let's get into it. It's been a rollercoaster. Ups and downs, I can't really find the exact words to fit the description in my mind. All in all, these experiences have not just taught me lessons but drilled them into me. You know when you learn a lesson for about five times but it still feels foreign, almost like you didn't really understand what life was trying to say to you. Although you get it, you still find yourself falling into the same trap of mistakes again and there's always that final feeling of "I get it now!". That feeling where it sticks to your soul, it becomes a part of you, not just a lesson you've learnt. It's similar to getting a tattoo, you know that it's gonna be permanent.
Sometimes, I do wonder if giving people the benefit of doubt or giving people grace and understanding is really worth it. I believe it is, cause we all need it to build amazing and long lasting relationships but lately, humans make it so hard to possess that attribute. It's crazy how people just see right through you, how wonderful you are and have the audacity to ask for more than second chances and still take their time to take you for granted, over and over again. Let's talk about this for a bit because I've been made to understand that it's not really their fault but mine. How? I'll explain... My mentor once said you attract what you are. That sounds true although it isn't really true for me in so many scenarios of life, right? I guess the only reason I couldn't argue with this phrase anymore, is because it is 100% true. I understand it in a deeper context now. I am not that person who fucks people over because I want to or because it is fun, I even try unconsciuosly not to do that, especially when i let you in my corner, tell you I care about you. It's not in my nature, so why do i keep attracting such energies? It's all because there's some part of my trauma that isn't really healed. Total healing is way more important than anything else in this world, yes, I said so. Unhealed trauma can pop back up years after you thought you had moved on and covered that page of your life's story. It's scary and crazy at the same time but too real. It happened to me, or rather it's been happening quite recently. I always knew the importance of complete healing from trauma and mental health issues but I also know it's a step by step process, a process that most times can't be done by you alone. I took the first step, acceptance and positioning my mind, heart and soul and it felt great. I saw so much improvement in everything I learned so far and how my implementation benefited me but what about the ones hiding, the trauma that wasn't properly dissected. I did the surface work alone but all it takes is to completely break down every bit of the trauma into tiny atoms and then deal with them, one atom at a time. I get haunted randomly by those unhealed atoms of myself that slowly develop into larger particles of energy and frequencies that engulf me and help attract what i don't expect. Now I understand why one moment things feel great and the next few days it doesn't anymore.
I also took something away from this experience, "what you think is what you become". If you don't believe this, you're in for some big surprises in life. My subconscious thoughts did good for me at one time and once I slid back into my old ways of self-sabotaging, I encountered everything I had thought about myself. It hit me hard that I was doing so much but also really doing nothing at all. Things started making sense again. I could talk more about this phenomenon so much more now but it will be better to incorporate it into every step of my story as i go on. Well, fast forward to when I started seeing this amazing person and when i started gaining so much clarity in all my friendships. A period that gave me a lot to think about to the point I got tired of thinking. How ironic for an overthinker to say. I started putting in more structure to my life after lots of trial and error and lessons learnt. The details of this part is just how much I realized myself again and what I liked and disliked, also how sad it could be to let go of something so beautiful because it isn't for you. Although some experiences could be beautiful, they could also drain a very important part of you and this was what I took away from the experience with this person I was seeing and the friends I had to slowly detach from. Funny how life can teach you one lesson, show you different lights to things but send you just one message that you should apply to different aspects of your life.
Silence is now my power, my language and my response to many situations in dealing with people. Of course I would speak up when I need to but yes, only when I need to. That language is so subtle, not violent or aggressive, not hostile or loud but very threatening, calm but carries a million words, it's sexy and powerful, more feminine with a lot of weight. Another thing is STRUCTURE. It's super important to have some kind of structure in your life. There's depth in this. A little catch up on what I've been up to...i've been paying more attention to my body, mind and soul...and heart. Everything my spirit longs for, I give to her, only things that are of benefit to her in the long run. I went back to reinstating most of my old and natural hobbies back into my life. Find yours, it could be art, writing, swimming, solo dates, making music or singing. Do things that make you feel something, things that remind you of how human you are but also brings out an inner child that is comfortable and feels safe and heard. I sat in these hobbies and loved every bit of it, it helped remind me of how much I'm deserving of so much more than I get, how beautiful and talented I am. It helped me love myself and my alone time so much more. It was worth it and it is one of the things that brought structure into my life. My goals and desires became clearer and I've never felt better. It helped me hear the whispers of my inner self better, the message the universe had for me was much more audible. One thing I don't take for granted anymore is that, no matter how much I think or know that a person is good, I should always protect my heart.
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