MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS
* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *
CHAPTER 8
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My days got harder, i was falling deeper into a rut and in love with the things and the person who makes me cry almost every night. My family began to neglect me again and i started remembering how useless I am, broke and can barely afford to sort myself out. I felt bad for my mom's financial situation at that moment. I wished my dad made things better and helped out the way he was supposed to. No, i wished i was the millionaire i was working so hard to be so i could just take up all these responsibilities and relief her stress and his too, even though I low key hate him for a lot of reasons and he hasn't been the best. At least i will get to prove that i'm worthy and that my life is useful. I'm pressured beyond control as the only living girl child, to be everything i'm supposed to be. Yet he keeps comparing me to others like i don't do enough or try my best. I'm just a young, tender girl, and i'm expected to bear so much weight at a little age. I know i'm an adult but too young to be having such experiences and being used to it right from my teenage years. Somehow, I've tried so hard to be the strongest person alive, trying to stay happy, read novels, work on different things, listen to music, sing, dance and hope for the best...a miracle. I've taken pride in learning more about myself and adjusting from making the same mistakes i make every single time.
That special person that makes me cry, really makes me happy too, so I guess it's a win win situation for me. We have the best conversations and he gets me a lot, like I do him. I understood how to make my deep love for someone grow bigger when i take a step back and allow things to happen the way it was meant to happen. Although I'm the one who would normally be extremely clingy and attached, i would still give space and have grace for the situations beyond my control. I advised myself to live more in the moment and enjoy it, make memories and let go. It's hard for me, looking at my history, I'm not one to forget or let go easily. It almost never happens for me. As you already know, i've been doing well with overcoming my cycle and never ending relationships with depression, self hate, self harm and the rest you probably wouldn't understand. That's exactly what "not letting go" does to me. I'm much better now, no self harming, less depressive days and less self hate talks. I find a lot of things to now try to direct my focus on and motivate me.
Whenever i find the silver lining, it fucks me up all over again. it seems i've been chasing a nightmare, an illusion i'll never get to live in or experience. I need saving from people, from every form of attachment and connection. There must be a reason why these things don't work in my favor and then I go back to my usual reasoning, i blame myself all over again. I still believe it's me, my unlucky self, my baggage, insecurities, some kind of "wrong" in me, making me unworthy and unfit. Even when I decide to focus on the things i love to do, the things that will definitely improve my life, i still have something holding me back. I try to get my shit together, it works, it almost seems i'm back on track but I struggle in the process, searching for that inner peace, that one reason why i should keep going, why i should work harder. Is it worth it? Will it ever be? When will the hardship end? When will I be free from the trials testing my soul? I usually overthink everything, i get numb, dizzy, my mind clouded with a million thoughts that make me lost in ways i can't understand. I used to want to shut the world out and be by myself and just live the way I used to, like a ghost, invisible and undisturbed. No one could access me, know me, vibe with me, most times, no one could approach me. I liked it that way, not out of pride but out of the sole reason to prevent my weakness from slipping out. I was always afraid to open up to anyone, no matter who you became in my life, I can be the best person to you, and make you feel safe and be there whenever you wanted to breakdown. I would digest your vulnerability without any judgement and second thoughts. The only thing you wouldn't catch me doing, is being vulnerable to you, sharing parts of me, let alone my problems. I wasn't entirely built to breakdown in front of anyone or feel soft and weak, or human. I was the perfect incredible girl that had it all figured out. I knew everything, in most people's opinions. I had the answer and solution to everything. Everyone's problem became mine, i was kinda forced to take everyone else into consideration before me, which wasn't a bad thing, the only issue was that I was not regarded as one who had inner and personal issues to deal with, so no one could and was willing to listen or understand my breaking point. I became the perfect performer, i attended to everyone with ease, with a smile on my face, despite whatever i was going through internally. I had to make sure no one noticed and even when one person tried to read or tell what was wrong, they failed terribly because my smile dripped with an essence of sweetness and genuine purity showing on my dimples, my eyes are radiantly beautiful and pierces the soul, my sense of humor makes everyone forget whatever was wrong in the first place; and that's how i confuse them out of asking too many questions or trying to read my face. It always worked, although i know how bad i want to need someone, i somehow get called names, I start to feel like I'm truly not meant to express myself and be understood because it all seems like I'm looking for attention so desperately.
I'm tired! Tired of trying to convince anyone to let me in, to understand me, to be honest, to love me genuinely, to be a true friend, to show care and more. More? I dare not ask for anything more, even when i give my all without expectations, I don't require reciprocation for any of my actions, according to them. I get so tired of thinking, talking and writing about it. On this side of my world, things are extremely different. I feel like an alien, a strange being hoisted in this planet, I don't fit in, in so many ways and I hope not to but I don't want to have to be treated different or made to believe that I'm crazy, maybe psychotic; even with my golden heart. I can do terrible things excellently well, I'm that smart but I won't in all cases. I still forgive, let go, stay away and avoid people and situations that push me to my extremes. I don't dare to forget at all, because that's what helps me conquer my next battles. Most humans do worse than I would ever imagine or come up with, I've been a witness to such sticky situations. Some would even kill another, in so many aspects including physically. I would probably make a perfect murderer but that's a choice everyone makes mentally and i haven't decided to make that choice to end another out of rage or by plot or sinister cravings...not just yet. I would say I'm getting the hang of everything and I'm slowly becoming a better person for myself but for others It's just never enough and I don't have any strength left in me to continue being a people-pleaser and chaser.
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