MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS
* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *
CHAPTER 7
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I'm back at it and I know you're sick of my sad ass. Trust me I've improved in the past few months and things got so much better that I finally got myself to believe good things were meant for me. But it's true I only get on here when I reach my breaking point and I'm at the verge of losing myself again. I'm grateful you accept me putting down my shit on black and white. I'm currently a beautiful mess but let me download the good news first. So...uhm...I got better in all aspects of life, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, academically and work-wise. I was focused despite shit going on behind the scenes...I ignored all that and I was killing it.
About the behind the scenes, I had an attack from fellow females like me, I mean targets on my back, like a three against one situation. Helpless, breaking and misunderstood even by my parents, I had to deal with it myself like I always do. I don't know what made me think things will be different when I'm growing older everyday. Anyways, God came through, saw my tears and heard my prayers. I easily overcame and got past everything and found myself in better experiences with better people. When I say "better", I mean people who actually behave like humans and not the opposite because I'll be lying if I said no one has flaws or other sides to them. In this trying times, I got my goofy twin sister and best friend by my side regardless of the distance. This girl was there every step, one face time away.
I felt and believed how elevated I was, it showed. I kinda felt truly happy in a long while. As my life would have it, people be tryna play me every chance they get but yeah I strike back sometimes when I have the strength. Although I was fucking excited about how my life was going, I got stressed out cause of lots of work, reading and more. A lot slowed down in me physically and I craved that princess treatment, vacation, a luxury spa session, makeovers, lots of good food and sleep...and eventually more. I finally got the chance to get away from the noise, get myself a nice holiday in a different city other than my hometown. It felt amazing. Now getting closer to my new heartbreaking moment and need for a rage room to let it all out, I had found a bond with someone I felt understood me and vice versa. Of course my love life is still non existent and won't be for a long time. So we had multiple discussions about where we stood with each other and it was pretty good. Thinking about it now, I don't know what I was thinking or expecting but don't get me wrong, they did care a lot for me and all. The thing is I'm starting to realize I'm probably not getting enough of what I deserve and it starts to make me drown again when they move away or act different, I feel resented and not good enough.
I wanna understand why I'm probably not there yet, on the list of priorities, on the highest pedestal, where much effort is made as though it isn't even enough and I deserve more. I do believe it's my baggage that causes it. I have looked down on myself countless times because of how they make me feel and i'm sure you're wondering why i let these thoughts get in my head and why i let people weigh me down but the reason is too much to explain and i'm sure i'll do that in due time as my story unfolds. Although i could be quite needy, I still know what my breaking point is. I know what i hate, what is toxic, what I resent, what brings out the worst in me. It's funny how I get to deep when dealing with people cause that's just me, it's like I melt into the person I care so much about that I get blinded by my own love for them and I forget what my limits are. I forgive and let go, giving multiple chances and hoping they would change but even when there's no change,I still stay because my loyalty lies with them and I don't want to lose them and the person I know they can become. I like to think I can fix them even with my unhealed wounds and bold scars. I stay and I watch how the pattern continues, I realize they won't change and I'm wasting my time but i still stay, again, giving them the chances they deserve but they always take it for granted. I just keep watching. Guess what? I still have a different side to me that shuts down completely, that side that has had more than enough and even when I love and care for them to death, I end the cycle and attempt to move on and at this point nothing can stop me because this side of me has no emotions, no guilt, no conscience and no heart. I stop feeling and i get away from them and all the toxicity, then I cry myself to sleep and pillow talk with myself about everything. Within no time I find many ways to get over and move on completely. Most times I can't but I've always learned to push everything in and pretend, wear a mask and act perfectly fine, that's all I've ever known my whole life.
I can be all the characters in the movie, a perfect description of a rainbow, I embody all the colors and act accordingly. No one knows what comes next with me, no one can try to figure me out and fully understand what I'm about. I guess when I find that person, then I'll lay down my life for them.That silent crazy? Yes, I got it. Don't go looking for where it's hidden cause it causes more damage than good, It wrecks me and everyone around me. I'm a treasure chest with a complicated map. You have to be careful where you go and what you look for, you won't be ready for what you find. I can be a chameleon, blending into every circle and group perfectly till I can find the trust that makes me comfortable enough to be the real me. I love to act dumb, the things people think i don't hear or know are the things I have perfect information about but I choose to be quiet and avoid confronting the situation or people involved, because I always know the truth and how things go. Yeah, I don't know everything, to be honest, I don't know much but there's a couple things my soul knows and my soul is never wrong...
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