Written: 13th November, 2023
I'm walking in a haze of my own mistakes, situations and decisions. It's crazy funny how I thought i would know myself much better when I grow up, but sadly it gets worse everyday and we never know who we really are as we get older. I've started seeing life in a whole fucked up new way, it scares me, excites and wrecks me. Further away from needing comfort in my darkest, to loving that dark space with all I have, like there's something there I have to nurture and protect cause there's really something.
I ended certain things and birth forth a new part of me that was still scared to unleash herself. No it isn't really a new me, it was always there, just always unseen...by no one, no one at all. I had goals that still are the same, it's taking too long to get to them but guess what I still believe more everyday that they are infact coming for me, like right now. So hopeful everyday and losing hope again. Getting into situationships cause I know I need distraction but then I fall again and get weak.
I know I'm happy and I know I'm not. It's been harder than I thought, it's been years since I missed someone this bad and cut myself to bleed because I just had to stop myself from reaching out. My psycho mind knows, it knows what you did, what you've been doing. You said you knew so much of the details and you paid attention but not even like me, because once I'm in, I'm really locked in. And I connected all the dots, I was the perfect little puppy in the corner, while you fooled around harmlessly and played your cards right to trap me. I'm always a victim even when I try not to be, I'm learning not to let anyone figure me out anymore. Yes, I want to focus on me and take care of me but it's hard but I'm guided and the spirit won't let me disappoint myself or go back to that deep hole I was in before, especially when I was in a similar situation.
I don't know who has written this quote but I'll tag it in my name "The ones you love, will always hurt you the most and on purpose" but I would say it this way "The ones you'll die for, will always kill you and make it a bloody scene"
I'm navigating life and this boat is rocky but damn, I'm really tired of being in a chain of multiple rocky boats everytime. But I'm trying and I'll keep it up. Now, it's me against the world and sometimes I wonder why I've been scared of death so much but now it's scary not to be scared of it, because life is inevitable and my karma everyday and every season teaches me so much more about a lot of patience and self control, especially not to consciously make the mistakes I made in my past life. This is me admitting that yes, I'll die one day but I don't think I've lived and I want to start living at least appreciating every moment and just going with the flow most times and living more in the moment and not trying to control the things I really can't control.
Do you know sometimes I think the life I crave and work hard for was what I had in my past life and I probably didn't do a good job and I'm paying a lot for those mistakes but this time my heart is so pure and my intentions are beautiful. Maybe a chance to do things better. Don't you think life is so opposite in nature and the realms are always opposing each other, oh yh, I just thought about physics class and I kinda see why they relate...lol
So I also have a question about why I always find the perfect kind of love in the friends I have now and in guys I just can't be with due to so many circumstances but my relationships are shitty. I know I'm the problem but now I'm starting to wonder what they see in me that the people I fall in love with don't. And they still stick with me for years... is there some secret about this...
I've lost myself so much as the years go by, I need my inspiration, motivation, creativity and all back but now I have to suffer, go through shit and work my ass off just to feel only a glimpse of it.
Written 16th November,2023
I'm a little bundle of so many things. I've always been taken advantage of and now I realize how much people never believed in me or felt i was worth anything, even now, people don't believe I deserve good or anything different from the normal and it comes from the ones you wouldn't expect, also from the ones who just look down on you without knowing anything about you or what you're capable of.
I've tried to break out from things that were a norm and ruined me in the past but it comes back to haunt me every single time. People try to make you become who you're not, tolerate what you shouldn't, live how you shouldn't and they seem to have this blueprint and manual of how they want you to live your life... to their taste and approval. But why did I conform for so long without realizing my own form, what I am and what I'm made off. Everytime I'm forced out of my own element I feel it and just like life is said to be a lesson everyday, I don't feel like I'm learning in a space where I'm a puppet dancing to the tune of others. I'm visual, intellectual, critical and more and I make choices based off what reflects what I like, not what I've always pretended to be or like under someone else's shadow. The only lesson I want to learn now is how to break the chain of control, settling for less, reducing myself to the barest minimum and living by other people's theories and opinions instead of mine and the higher being I believe in. Yes, settling for less is a thing. I saw it in my friendships, my family, then my relationships and a lot more, down to the little things in my life and I know I'm screwing life up for myself when I don't take the chance and step out of that cage.
Do I know myself, who I am and what I'm capable of? I do to a greater percentage of 90% and I haven't been who I am meant to be. They say it's wrong to blame people or circumstances but those two have played a major role in all of this. I'm vulnerable to it, maybe too available, maybe forcing a lot of things, maybe not trying to focus on myself like I agreed to do. And a lot of times, life he as failed me,the universe made me mad, it made me frustrated and hopeless, I can't trust anymore but then love is the greatest and I still have to be IT.
I'm figuring out balance, extreme balance in everything. I'm trying to know what easily gets one in that place,in a space of having nothing to lose but still being able move on, control my inner environment and analyze my physicals closely.
Written 9th December, 2023
I truly feel like I'm on the Eastside, far away, alienated and strange to the rest of the world. I doubt my humanness and I'm sure my karma is having fun punishing me. I start to think I deserve it, every torture and wrong being done to me. I probably caused it, I must have been a terrible person in my past life that no matter how good my heart is and how genuinely I do good for others, selflessly with all sincerity, I still get treated like less of a person, undeserving and disliked. Everything I work hard for, put in effort to achieve, gets stuck, destroyed or unsuccessful. Sometimes I genuinely don't want "Thank you's & lots of appreciations" but all I hope for is humane treatment and nothing more.
I get sick thinking about it, sometimes I chest it cause it's me, I'm strong, stubborn, resilient and I don't give a fuck...but yeah I'm the softest and when it hits me, it hits deep and I can't shake the feeling off because I've gone back to square one of part of my old life since the Ember months started. Being alone, consciously and unconsciously, on purpose and not meaning to. I don't know who and how to share my endless problems, thoughts and every little or big thing inside me that holds me down, things I should let out easily. Even family detests and turns their back on you in your most vulnerable moments. If I'm stuck up and closed out, it's a problem. If I'm open and vulnerable, it's still an issue. Everyone says you can't do life alone and we all need someone, but I've been trying and people have wrecked me and I'm not a broken, insecure, scared and possibly a mentally unstable being because of it.
I worked so hard months ago to not fall into my deepest hole and I kept trying till I felt like I was strong enough to control the suicidal thoughts, depression and self harming tendencies I battle with often. Now, I write, I try to block out the world, close my ears and cry myself to normalcy, while expressing myself on black and white because I know ME. I lose it quickly, I breakdown like a pile of quicksand. Today's been the hardest of days, I thought about it again, I did...I wanted to end it all. I feel so heavy, my faith is shaky and I'm still struggling to say I'm grateful for everything, even in my situation. It's been so hard, I feel the demons tugging at all the lose ends of my life. I silently cry my eyes out, till I'm in pain and my head hurts, and I feel weak; that's how I feel a bit better these days... otherwise I can't go on.
I wanted to bring out the heartless side of me without giving a care in the world about whatever but I was trying to be the best version of myself despite everything, whether people cared or not, maybe I'll erase some of my karmic debt but it's clear it wouldn't work for me no matter how hard I try. I have a lot of reasons to tie to why I'm going through all this but it may sound too dark and crazy but at the same time this doesn't look like the story of someone who goes through hell and then makes it out alive and victorious after a couple years...this moment has been happening my whole life, every second in the multiple years I've spent on earth.
The moment i knew everything was wrong and I need a saving grace was when I recently had a panic attack. I didn't experience this in years but it came from nowhere and funny how I didn't know what caused it in the moment but now I do, the pieces of the puzzles are coming together and I can't hide no matter how hard I've tried.
Written on 16th Dec, 2023
I never figure out the reasons why I feel this way most times but somehow today I had come up with a couple reasons why I've been down for the past few days. I know I'm all alone in this world but I wish people wouldn't always want to take advantage of you when you're in need of help, vulnerable, at your lowest and darkest, when you try to open up just a little. I wish the people who are really like family to me weren't so far away from me. I wish I had good memories to look back at during every festive season or holiday as a family. I wish I didn't have to be so scared of going home for holidays because I'll be left alone, used, misunderstood, depressed and become a hypocrite, acting like everything is great when we really aren't a happy family indoors. I wish this year wasn't so hard in so many aspects, bittersweet and challenging, testing my faith and making me have short lived moments of happiness. I wish my mom didn't neglect me now while I'm trying to figure out this adulthood thing and also deal with this pretentious relationship with my dad that doesn't get any better. I wish I had siblings to laugh off these tough times with. I wish I couldn't see right through people most of the time. I wish I didn't have to feel like I'm paying for mistakes in my past life and karma is catching up with me from my previous lives. I wish I didn't have to go through life like I don't deserve anything good no matter how hard I work for it. Or maybe I'm truly a terrible person and I can't really deserve to be happy like a normal person would. I wish I wouldn't have to keep giving my all but end up paying for other people's sins...
Written on Dec. 19,2023
I don't know why I get into a habit of seeking some kind of validation sometimes from people or making the mistake of letting my loneliness get the best of me. I start getting needy and vulnerable when I know I definitely shouldn't and I hate it. I hope I don't have a major problem right now cause I feel so alone, never felt this alone in a very long time. Also, I was just wondering why people love it when you pour into them but they don't want to do the same and so they manipulate you into thinking they will reciprocate your energy but it never ends that way...
Lord knows how tired I am of being strong all the time and looking out for others even when I can barely breathe. I need an era where I'll be understood properly, where I can be free to express my weakness and get a little bit of pampering and attention. I'll feel wanted and needed and valuable to someone without any form of confusion. I guess that would never happen, it's just not for me.
I'm still a perfect definition of a people pleaser but I'm so good at pushing everyone away when I don't know how best to protect my mental health. And right now I really want to ghost everyone so bad, it's eating so deep, I feel like I need it.
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