MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS
* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *
CHAPTER 6
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This was my daily routine for weeks. I neglected all my important projects and ideas that would have equipped my life in recent times. I would have gone a long way if I took the necessary actions I should have taken. I couldn't get myself back and this is what keeps me in my shell. One thing can break my whole spirit for weeks and I keep indulging in this habit. Don't start to judge yet because I know you think I didn't try to put myself together but I did. There were lots of things stopping me but I didn't realize it. I needed to change or switch up my environment, probably make a routine I knew I wouldn't stick to after a week and more things I hadn't figured out yet. But this is me, I always learned the hard way. Every time I tried to make little progress, something or someone stops me; from my mental health to people's energy and authority. It morphed into self hate and no matter how much I tried to love myself, I just couldn't. I often feel like the monster in the room, like my insides are so visible to everyone standing there and I don't deserve love or attention. I also dislike the process of bonding with anyone, I feel disarmed, I lose myself and I give my all but guess what? It's never reciprocated, even when I try to be patient and believe they'll change with time. I find it hard to open up and share stuff but I try to when I bond with someone. I get broken when I feel like they can't share with me how much I share with them.
I decided to go back to my usual introverted lifestyle and mind my business. I got a little better after a month, recovering from my everlasting depression. Looking back, it sounds funny, but no one else can tell exactly how I felt in those seasons of my life. I had always reverted back to one of my therapeutic sessions. I stood, looking directly into the mirror, getting my mind ready to release all I had bottled up for a whole month. "Okay, here we go again. I'm going to ramble a lot as I have no clue on where to start. Please just listen cause I know you're the only one who gets me. I fell into a terrible rut that I couldn't get out of till now. Even now, I'm still struggling, I'm at the edge, I'm almost falling right back into that dark hole again but I'm fighting against all my demons to be the strongest person alive. I swear I hate anything that looks like self pity, I only wish for a companion to share these burdens with. I know I'm stubborn and I don't like to open up but I still acknowledge that sharing helps ease the pain a little bit. That's why I'm here talking to you. I don't know how to do this with anyone else, I'll still hide more of the info so I prefer to be raw with you. This period got me thinking a lot as usual and made me realize a lot. I even got back into my habit of hating myself all over again. Uhm...yeah, I knew you'll ask but I improved with the whole self harming thing, I haven't indulged in two months. Uh... Don't look at me like that! You know I'm not an addict, I only smoke when the feeling hits. You know that already... What else? I have to hurry up and get ready for lectures. I'll check back with you once I'm back and I have the right words to describe how I feel"...
The next day, I was as strong as always, ignoring everything weighing me down and handling life like it was a bed of roses. I was good for a couple weeks, had my coffee on time, headed out and got back on time. I was indulged in my work, while my music played in the background to help me focus. I finished work late and had snacks for dinner, freshened up and went to bed at pretty much the same time everyday. There I was, hyped up with the hope that I was getting so close to the breakthrough I've always so desperately needed and all my work was laying the foundation and helping me get there. It literally felt like the next day was gonna get me a crazy, exciting and well deserved news. It didn't happen, nothing happened. Not even a slight difference between where I was months ago and now. It sucked...I fell again...I blamed myself, I replayed everything, every scene, what I could have changed or done better. Then I started telling myself I wasn't just good enough and perhaps good things weren't meant for me. I tried to keep myself in check but everything still felt like a chore. I wasn't living, I was just existing...
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