MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS (CHAPTER 5)

MY GLOOMY THOUGHTS

* A short narrative novel based on multiple true encounters. Dive into the series of thoughts of a young woman sharing how her mind works. From childhood into becoming a grown woman, in no particular order, she lays out thoughts which are relatable to anyone going through life *

                                                                                

                       CHAPTER 5

                            

                                        ***

For the rest of the day, I did nothing. I had little appetite, so I took out some popcorn and a pack of cold milk. Settled in my already made bed, turned on the TV, chose a random show and turned down the volume so my speakers could keep playing my sad playlist and encourage my broken self-esteem and swollen crying eyes. I just kept snacking and then slipped into my usual imaginative world were things were perfect and easy. I was loved, successful and more confident. I didn't need a therapist or mental health medication. I was fine, I had control over my life, schedule, routine and priorities. I saw the present me in a beautiful world of endless opportunities, no setbacks like I have in my real world. I saw my future as clear as glass and I took proud steps knowing I'll make it there. I said my thoughts out loud "I wanna be a great one".

One blink and I was back to earth. It was weighing on me the need to get a therapist. I had always told myself I was my own therapist and I tried sometimes but this time I didn't get what was happening. I tried so hard in the past few weeks to control self harming and attempting suicide. I picked up my phone, scrolling through the web all in search of a therapist. I laughed, I knew I couldn't afford it but maybe if I spoke to someone they would help me find one. No, I couldn't. I won't be able to face anyone and reveal all I've been through and why I need a therapist. I felt ashamed and self hate and doubt creeped in.

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